Wednesday, November 18, 2015

All of Me

In the last few months, I've undergone a whirlwind of transformation.  Back in August, I moved out of my house.  Out of my marriage.  Out of the only life I've known for the last 10 years.  Separated from my husband by mutual lies and deception, brokenness and despair, I embarked on a journey marked with anguishing heartbreak, hard hearted rebellion, humble submission, and, ultimately, beautiful restoration.  My first step through this unknown and unfamiliar door, I began searching for a self who I didn't even know was there.  In the world of the human psyche, we all have what is known as a "lost self," a "false self," and a "disowned self," each one formed during the earliest stages of our existence.  Dr. Harville Hendrix defines the lost self as "those parts of your being that you had to repress because of the demands of society," the false self as "the facade that you erected in order to fill the void created by this repression and by a lack of adequate nurturing," and the disowned self as "the negative parts of your false self that met with disapproval and were therefore denied."  What I have since discovered in unearthing each aspect that comprises my whole self is the darkness of my own heart, my overwhelming propensity for sin, and the amazing grace of a loving Creator who knows about it all.   He truly loves me.  All of me.   

I haven't only discovered the worst parts of myself, however.  Coinciding with these uncomfortable findings has also come an awareness of my most beautiful strengths and useful qualities.  I am not just the rebellious sin seeker in need of forgiveness; I am also the grace filled, Spirit-led daughter of a King who knows my every weakness.  I am an encouragement and light to those in darkness, a strong tower of empathy and compassion for those in need of hope.  I am mighty because I've been weak, I am brave because I've been a coward, and I am progressing because I've fallen back. I purposed not so long ago to embrace my mistakes as weapons with which to learn and grow and fight, but before this dawn of advancement appeared on my horizon, I crawled through valleys of doubt and discouragement, pits of fear and anxiety, and illusions of self-sufficiency. The road has been arduous and the storms fierce, but the one constant through it all has been the merciful presence of God every time I fall.  And I did fall.  Many times.  I fell into the deceiving arms of lust, the lying pleasures of smoking, and the cunning embrace of worldly pleasures.  I'm not perfect, and I no longer believe I must be, but I am loved by One who is (Psalm 18:30) and that's enough because He loves all of me. 

Next step...

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. - Matthew 11:28

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